that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You are a genius and a whore.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
