I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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