its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
