I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
