Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
