"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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