i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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