Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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