when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
