i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
