it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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