I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
