my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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