So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
