Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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