Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
