John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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