i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
