your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
