im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
