theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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