i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
