Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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