what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
