and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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