I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
