sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
