Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
