my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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