I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
