I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
