My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Rumble strips road head = magical
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
