I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
