when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
