yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
