How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize