Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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