...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
