He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize