shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
