The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize