So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize