I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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