At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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