We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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