i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
