wakey wakey hands off snakey
we're chasing vodka with high fives
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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