Someone shit on the floor
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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