I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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