No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
