We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
