Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
