So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
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