he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I enjoy the company of your penis
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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