My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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