At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
